The leadership test you might be failing ( and what to do about it)
Amanda reflects on two leaders she worked for that had a huge influence on her…
Looking back, the best leader I ever had never surprised me and that’s why they were great.
The worst leader I ever had?
Ambushed me in the ladies’ toilet.
And that one moment changed how I saw her forever.
Two leaders. Two completely different approaches. And between them, they shaped everything I now know about leadership consistency.
The leader who changed everything
Before I met my worst boss, I had the privilege of working for one of the best.
He never surprised me.
He was steady. reliable. consistent.
One of the best pieces of advice he ever gave me as a new leader was:
“Pick a mood, and be it.”
“Amanda, you’re confusing people. Some days, you’re kind and engaging. Other days, you’re sullen and uncommunicative. That’s no good. You need to be consistent. Be grumpy or be nice, but don’t be both.”
I laughed and said, “I’m not worth speaking to until I’ve had 2 cups of coffee. Everyone knows that, it’s a bit of an in joke in my team”
I still remember his expression. Dead serious.
“That’s no good.
If your team doesn’t know what version of you they’re going to get, you will never be an effective leader. How does your team know how much coffee you’ve had? And what about people from other departments who don’t know the 2-cup rule?”
At first, I was a bit confused. I wasn’t being difficult; I was just being me. Now after years of coaching leaders I see the wisdom in it.
Leadership isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about showing up in a way people can trust every single day.
The hidden cost of inconsistent leadership
A key thing I learned from studying the neuroscience of communication is that our brains LOVE certainty.
Here’s why inconsistency is dangerous for leaders:
1: Your brain remembers extremes
We don’t remember experiences based on their average. Our brains recall two things:
- The peak moments (best or worst)
- The end (how it concluded or their last encounter)
That means your team doesn’t remember your “usual” behaviour. They remember your extremes.
A single moment—an outburst, a hesitation, an offhand remark—can define their perception of you.
2: Inconsistency triggers uncertainty, and uncertainty creates stress
Your brain is wired for pattern recognition. It scans constantly, predicting what’s next. When a leader is unpredictable, it activates the anterior cingulate cortex—the part of the brain that detects uncertainty and conflict.
The result? Your team hesitates. They second-guess themselves. They avoid bringing problems to you because they don’t know how you’ll react.
3: When Information is missing, the brain fills in the gaps
The brain hates uncertainty and will make up stories to create meaning:
- “Why are they acting like this?”
- “Did I do something wrong?”
- “They were nice to Ed, but cold with me… they must not like me.”
Confirmation bias then kicks in, reinforcing the belief that you play favourites.
4: The Reticular Activating System (RAS) is always watching
The RAS is your brain’s filter—it decides what’s important and what can be ignored.
- If you’re inconsistent, their RAS will focus on your mood swings rather than your message.
- If you’re consistent, they’ll stop scanning for danger and listen to what you actually say.
This is why training your brain to be a consistent leader matters—not just for you, but for the people who depend on you.
The Toilet Incident: one moment that changed everything
Years ago, my boss accosted me in the ladies’ toilet to tell me I’d upset someone in the earlier team meeting. I felt the heat rise in my face. A mix of embarrassment and disbelief. This wasn’t feedback—it was an attack.
I remember everything: the awkward setting, the confusion, the stomach drop.
Apparently, I’d asked too many questions and an unnamed colleague had felt unsettled about the company’s strategic direction.
To me, this was ridiculous. Questioning things drives better thinking and surely this was a conversation to have with the ‘unnamed colleague’ not me.
I dismissed the feedback – How can you lead if you don’t encourage questions?
I decided my boss was a bad boss.
From that moment on, I saw everything they did through a lens of distrust:
- Every short deadline? A setup.
- Every micro-expression? Proof they disliked me.
- Every decision? A power move.
Looking back, I see it clearly, my ‘bad boss’ got great feedback from others. That one poor choice shaped how I saw that leader.
This is how trust is lost.
What elite leaders do differently
The best leaders are predictable.
The provide certainty and focus on building trust.
They show up with the same steadiness, the same clarity, the same presence, no matter how stressful, frustrating, or chaotic things get.
This isn’t about being emotionless.
It’s about emotional regulation.
Athletes don’t perform at their best by chance. Neither do leaders.
The 3 C’s of leadership consistency:
- Clarity – Make expectations clear and repeat them often.
- Control – Regulate emotions; don’t let stress dictate how you show up.
- Commitment – Consistency isn’t about being perfect; it’s about showing up in the same way, over time.
Your bad days are hurting your leadership
Think back over this week:
- When were you calm, kind, decisive?
- When were you short-tempered, frustrated, distracted?
Your team doesn’t see an average of your behaviour. They remember the worst moments more than the best ones.
One snappy response in a meeting? They think you’re a poor listener.
One rushed corridor conversation where you said you’d talk “later” but never did? They think you don’t care.
One project dismissal without explaining why? They think you’re out to get them.
That’s how trust erodes.
A case study in leadership consistency
I coached an acting director who was technically brilliant but struggling with gravitas.
His inconsistency put a big question mark over whether he’d be permanently promoted.
Instead of aiming for perfection, we focused on consistency.
His game-changing leadership question? “Have I been a dick this week?”
His words — not mine. But extremely effective.
Every Friday, he checked in with himself. He took responsibility before someone else had to call him out.
He secured the permanent role. And was promoted again 18 months later.
Why?
Because his team and senior leaders stopped questioning his presence. His consistency made him a safe pair of hands.
The leadership reflection challenge
If your team had to describe your leadership in three words, what would they say?
Would they describe you differently on a good day vs. a bad day?
Are you the kind of leader people trust — even on your off days?
Try this:
1️⃣ Does my team always know what version of me they’ll get?
2️⃣ Have I ever hesitated to ask my own boss something because I didn’t know how they’d react?
3️⃣ Do I have a way to check myself before my inconsistency affects others?
Final thought: How you show up defines everything
Your team doesn’t need you to be inspiring every day.
They need you to be reliable.
The best leaders aren’t the most charismatic.
They’re the most consistent.
One last question:
Who was the last person you made an impression on today? And if you could replay that moment, would you show up differently?
What to do next
If you’ve ever wondered, “Am I showing up in a way that builds trust?”— let’s talk.
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